One Whole Hand

My first born 'baby' is 5. This is old news around here but I haven't posted in a while so I thought I would start from here. :D

We had a fun 'pool' party for Michael and this year he wanted to have a Transformers theme - he's all about Transformers right now. Before he had the real thing he would make his own out of his blocks, he still does sometimes. I love his creativity!

Some of his friends from school made it & other friends we've made since living here. He was SO excited to have friends over to play in the pool, eat hot dogs & cake and just have fun. With his birthday in the middle of summer vacation & right after a holiday I was thrilled with the turn out! Plus the weather cooperated. The night before we had severe thunderstorms and spent a couple hours going in and out of the laundry room because of tornado warnings. The day of his party was overcast & a little muggy but still warm enough to get wet and have fun outside. :)

Shawn had fun with the water hose, kids were attacking everyone with water guns and there was a silly string fight to top it all off. I'm looking forward to another bbq soon!

Help! I lost "me" & don't know where to find her!

Don't worry - you don't have to call the authorities or anything. Unless they've got one of those quiet padded rooms waiting for me. :D I don't know if this is like a quarter life crisis or just a contagious self retrospection thing that seems to be going around but whatever it is I've been affected.

When I was in high school I had more guy friends than girls, and no I wasn't any extra *friendly* with the boys so don't get the wrong idea. It was just easyer. There wasn't the drama, 'competition', gossip, back biting....none of that drama with the boys. That came after high school when they all wanted me to like them. I kid...mostly.

After becoming a married woman & mom my friendships changed quite drastically and have been exclusively with women, except for their husbands but we were "couple" friends. For the most part I didn't have the drama to deal with in my group of friends back home. That was nice. It was easy. Now it would be refreshing.

Lately there seems to be a drama bug biting people in various circles of friends and I'm just.tired.of.it. But then as I talk to my bestie about the drama I wonder - am *I* part of the problem? Do I thrive on the drama and get carried away in conversation? ouch. It stings to give yourself a hard look in the mirror and not make excuses or justify behavior done with bad judgement.

Can someone take that mirror away please? Or cover it with something maybe? No? Darn.

One of my mom's favorite songs was Man In The Mirror by Michael Jackson. It's on my playlist if you'd like to reminisce or refresh your memory of the song. I know he's talking about making changes of much more significance but it really does all start with ourselves. If we want to make a change in the world on any level we must honestly look at ourselves and change our day to day behavior & thoughts. ouch, that can hurt.

I want to look back on my life and be at least mostly satisfied with the choices I made and the attitudes I had. If you asked my husband he would tell you that I can get some attitude for sure! But I want to have a good attitude. I want to be content with my life, find that silver lining and just.be. Without worrying about what this or that person thinks about any of it, unless they are a person whose opinion I highly value & are trying to help me be the best me I can be. Those people I could probably count on one hand.

I hope that it is in fact possible to have several acquantances & friendships with women without getting caught up in the drama of it all. I know it can happen because I've had it before. So I just need to find it and me again.

Scrapped

Ta Da's: So these are the pages I couldn't share last week. We had Michael's birthday party & the camping trip & I just didn't have the time. I made these pages the week before last when a couple friends came over to scrap while Shawn worked staff duty (24 hour shift). As usual I still have journaling to do and some embellishments to add but they're mostly done. I'm still working on finishing Lydia's album and these are pictures of her at the hospital along with our hospital bracelets and the card that was on her bassinette. I realized when I was done that I used the sleepy baby patterned paper instead of the stork patterned paper (same color scheme) so I'll use the other papers on the rest of the hospital pictures.

To Do's: I'm just hoping to get something done - maybe the rest of the hospital pictures, maybe journaling on pages that are unfinished... I have a busy work week ahead and of course there's always things to do around the house & with the kids. Not to mention the rest of the stink incident clean up.

This is Going to Stink or The Time When I Wanted to Spray the World with Febreeze

Or maybe just our campsite. Michael turned 5 last Sunday and after his party we left for our camping trip. It was a fun time & I'll share more about that another day when I've moved past the stench.

But first let me apologize for this post. I'm sure it will stink in every way. When I was up at 3am Friday morning sitting by the fire pit, which had turned more into a smoke pit, I had a some catchy one liners and a funny little post written up. Or I wasn't funny but so tired that I thought I was. Either way I couldn't get to my notebook to write any of it down so I'll never really know.

Back to the stink. So we were camping and Thursday was our last night. I ended up in the kids' mattress because they woke up wanting snuggles. Jackie was in there too, unleashed. Shawn went answer nature's call and didn't zip the tent right away. Jackie bolted. She had woke me up a few times growling at some critter or another, and now she would meet her match.

I heard Jackie bark, Shawn yell for her to come back and the next thing I knew Jackie was back in the tent with a strange odor and spitting something up. Was it a bad odor? I couldn't tell, it was just odd but almost familiar. I sent her outside so Shawn could see what she was spitting up & then he broke the news - Jackie was sprayed by a skunk.

Yuck!

Did you know that a skunk's spray is an oil & used in some perfumes because of it's lingering quality? Also, when your dog is sprayed in the face at the campsite next door and is in your tent for less than a minute every.single.thing. will smell like skunk. Every.thing. All of the laundry, bedding, mattresses, tent, truck (thanks to the husband leaving the windows down all of the time), folding canvas chairs and diapers. Yes, diapers. We lost nearly a full pack of 60.

So all of this happened at 3am which meant I was up since 3am Friday morning. Luckily the kids stayed asleep and somehow Shawn slept in the tent but I just couldn't. My stomach turned just walking near the tent. So while waiting for the sun to rise I thought about my blog post and how funny it could be - this is rather disappointing. We packed up camp as quickly as possible and I started on laundry and baths as soon as we got home, there is still some cleaning to do and poor Jackie needs another vinegar/baking soda treatment before I'll snuggle her on my couch or anywhere. Tomato juice didn't do anything for her but give us another mess to clean up. I never want to smell that smell again and no diaper will ever compare to that stench.

I still have pictures to upload & will share more soon. Now it's 9am and I haven't had my coffee which really is just wrong.

So I Had a Thought

Had being the key word. I can't even remember when I had this thought but it was a thought about a blog post and now *poof* it's gone. Is that a thing that comes with children or age...maybe both? On a totally different subject - happy fourth of july! May your day be sunny & bright and all of your apendanges keep in tact tonight. Something about drinking & explosives seems like a dangerous combo. We have been busy getting ready for Michael's birthday party & our upcoming camping trip. Meanwhile the house still has to be cleaned, meals {somewhat} made and there's my business to run - not that I'm complaining about that one. I love how I can work my business while living my life - make a few phone calls while doing errands or dishes, take care of paperwork after kids are in bed and schedule appointments around my family's schedule. So as I was finishing one set of errands today just a few blocks from my house it started to pour. I knew it was coming, the dark clouds were rolling in with rumbling thunder, but hoped I could make it in the house before the downpour. No such luck, we got soaked. And now I'm rambling...maybe I'll find that thought one day & share it with you. Or maybe you lucked out and it really wasn't all that interesting anyway. Kind of like this post.

Some Relief & Closure

I have shared about the loss of my mom here before but if you don't remember or weren't reading this back then {not many people were} I'll give you the long-story-short version as best I can. January 11, 2007 my mom picked me & the kids up from the airport after visiting my dad & family in NM over the holidays with my husband - he went back to AIT in MO. After visiting for about an hour we went to my best friend's house. Later that night I got a phone call from my dad telling me that my mom had died and her boyfriend killed her. After making a phone call to the coroners office I found out that the 911 call was made exactly 10 minutes after I left the house. Within 10 minutes things went from normal to my world never being the same again.

It affected me in so many ways, some that I'm still discovering over two years later. I was angry and often took it out on those closest to me. I was also depressed and didn't fully appreciate my time with Lydia as a baby - I only recently figured this out. I had so many questions and didn't understand why. Nothing made sense, I was there and things appeared to be okay. No one could tell me anything, it would have to wait for trial - the only thing I was told was we had a strong case & I knew the DA wanted to make sure my mom got justice. So I waited. It was a long wait with several delays & rescheduling of court dates but the trial date finally came. I was called as a witness and testified in court. This wasn't a surprise as I was told that I likely would be called. But I had a knot in my stomach. Here was the event I'd been waiting for and I found myself dreading it. I was nervous about seeing her killer, unsure if I could actually sit in the same room as him without throwing something at him. Apparently, I wasn't the only one who was worried because my family & close friends warned me not to get upset at him directly - "don't go crazy" is pretty much how they stated it. If I hadn't shared their concern I may have developed a complex. ;)

The time came & I made the long flight to California with a few books to read along the way. I know. It's an odd assortment but I wasn't sure the mood I would be in and hadn't read anything just to read in years. I was glad to have the distraction from my thoughts. My best friend stayed with me at the hotel, helped me stay distracted and supported in me in the courtroom. It was great to have her company, esp since I forgot to pack jammies and she picked some up for me on her way to the hotel. I saw two of my grandmas (I have several) and an uncle at the courthouse. We all met up with my sister & niece for lunch during recess.

The time came that I couldn't be distracted any longer. I was the first witness called to the stand. My stomach was still in knots. I answered questions about the state of things before I left the house that day, questions about their relationship, questions about his size compared to hers. I gave descriptions of photographs that my mom and/or the scum was in - pictures at Christmas, my daughter's shower, my son's birthday... The most difficult photos to look at were the ones of the two of them together - looking like a happy couple. One that was taken just a couple weeks before he killed her. I was anticipating the photos as I sent them to the DA, he wanted the jury to physically see how much bigger he was than her. But it was still hard. Surprisingly the scum looked at me just about the whole time I was testifying, even gave me a couple of "pouty" looks. I really wanted to throw my shoe at him, had I worn my stilettos I just might have. My time on the stand was over & I stayed for the remainder of that day listening to testimony given by those who first arrived on the scene. I heard details that I hadn't before and realized that the scum was lying when he said he tried to revive her.

After that was done we went back to the hotel to relax then went out. Chriss filled me in on what was said during opening statements since I couldn't be in the room and wow. Just wow. The defenses that were being cooked up were laughable. Yes, defenseS as in more than one. He was defending himself though she had NO weapon (it was proven) and he was skilled in martial arts and at least twice her size. On top of that the gun accidentily went off - so he was accidentily defending himself?? Then to finish it off he couldn't remember anything other than accidentily defending himself because of the trauma he had been through the last two years. Excuse me? The trauma?!? His trauma? The trauma of losing his freedoms because he took a life!!!? Gah.

I came back home, the trial continued & I waited. The jury went into deliberations and within four hours had a verdict. But. I had to wait one more day until the verdict would be read. So I waited. In some ways that one day seemed as long as the two plus years it took to get to that point. And then the phone call came. Guilty. Guilty of second degree murder. Also guilty on some other weapons charges. (Just to note - the DA & my family still believe it was first degree - he knew just what he was doing when he went for that gun & shot with the intent to kill. But the law can be viewed different ways and the jury likely didn't all agree on first degree.) I was ecstatic, relieved and sad all at the same time. After finding out more details about what happened that day and getting answers to questions I had had for over two years I knew that it didn't have to happen. He shouldn't have been on trial because he had NO reason to kill her. She didn't have to be taken out of my life. So I was a mixture of emotions. The next month was sentencing. Because I couldn't be there I wrote a letter to the court that my best friend read for me. It was quite fitting since she was like another daughter to my mom. All of "her girls" spoke for her. And I waited for that call. It was good news. He was sentenced to 40 years minimum. I'll be 67 when he has even a chance at parol. And if it comes to that point I'll be there to make sure he doesn't get out. There will be no reward for good behavior & his prior time served doesn't count toward the sentence. Justice was served.

Even after all of that I still wait for her to call, so I can tell her that he's paying for it, so she can come back to us because she'll be safe now. My journey in grieving isn't over, and I don't think that it ever will be. But it has changed since that first day, I'm learning from it & growing with it.