Some Relief & Closure

I have shared about the loss of my mom here before but if you don't remember or weren't reading this back then {not many people were} I'll give you the long-story-short version as best I can. January 11, 2007 my mom picked me & the kids up from the airport after visiting my dad & family in NM over the holidays with my husband - he went back to AIT in MO. After visiting for about an hour we went to my best friend's house. Later that night I got a phone call from my dad telling me that my mom had died and her boyfriend killed her. After making a phone call to the coroners office I found out that the 911 call was made exactly 10 minutes after I left the house. Within 10 minutes things went from normal to my world never being the same again.

It affected me in so many ways, some that I'm still discovering over two years later. I was angry and often took it out on those closest to me. I was also depressed and didn't fully appreciate my time with Lydia as a baby - I only recently figured this out. I had so many questions and didn't understand why. Nothing made sense, I was there and things appeared to be okay. No one could tell me anything, it would have to wait for trial - the only thing I was told was we had a strong case & I knew the DA wanted to make sure my mom got justice. So I waited. It was a long wait with several delays & rescheduling of court dates but the trial date finally came. I was called as a witness and testified in court. This wasn't a surprise as I was told that I likely would be called. But I had a knot in my stomach. Here was the event I'd been waiting for and I found myself dreading it. I was nervous about seeing her killer, unsure if I could actually sit in the same room as him without throwing something at him. Apparently, I wasn't the only one who was worried because my family & close friends warned me not to get upset at him directly - "don't go crazy" is pretty much how they stated it. If I hadn't shared their concern I may have developed a complex. ;)

The time came & I made the long flight to California with a few books to read along the way. I know. It's an odd assortment but I wasn't sure the mood I would be in and hadn't read anything just to read in years. I was glad to have the distraction from my thoughts. My best friend stayed with me at the hotel, helped me stay distracted and supported in me in the courtroom. It was great to have her company, esp since I forgot to pack jammies and she picked some up for me on her way to the hotel. I saw two of my grandmas (I have several) and an uncle at the courthouse. We all met up with my sister & niece for lunch during recess.

The time came that I couldn't be distracted any longer. I was the first witness called to the stand. My stomach was still in knots. I answered questions about the state of things before I left the house that day, questions about their relationship, questions about his size compared to hers. I gave descriptions of photographs that my mom and/or the scum was in - pictures at Christmas, my daughter's shower, my son's birthday... The most difficult photos to look at were the ones of the two of them together - looking like a happy couple. One that was taken just a couple weeks before he killed her. I was anticipating the photos as I sent them to the DA, he wanted the jury to physically see how much bigger he was than her. But it was still hard. Surprisingly the scum looked at me just about the whole time I was testifying, even gave me a couple of "pouty" looks. I really wanted to throw my shoe at him, had I worn my stilettos I just might have. My time on the stand was over & I stayed for the remainder of that day listening to testimony given by those who first arrived on the scene. I heard details that I hadn't before and realized that the scum was lying when he said he tried to revive her.

After that was done we went back to the hotel to relax then went out. Chriss filled me in on what was said during opening statements since I couldn't be in the room and wow. Just wow. The defenses that were being cooked up were laughable. Yes, defenseS as in more than one. He was defending himself though she had NO weapon (it was proven) and he was skilled in martial arts and at least twice her size. On top of that the gun accidentily went off - so he was accidentily defending himself?? Then to finish it off he couldn't remember anything other than accidentily defending himself because of the trauma he had been through the last two years. Excuse me? The trauma?!? His trauma? The trauma of losing his freedoms because he took a life!!!? Gah.

I came back home, the trial continued & I waited. The jury went into deliberations and within four hours had a verdict. But. I had to wait one more day until the verdict would be read. So I waited. In some ways that one day seemed as long as the two plus years it took to get to that point. And then the phone call came. Guilty. Guilty of second degree murder. Also guilty on some other weapons charges. (Just to note - the DA & my family still believe it was first degree - he knew just what he was doing when he went for that gun & shot with the intent to kill. But the law can be viewed different ways and the jury likely didn't all agree on first degree.) I was ecstatic, relieved and sad all at the same time. After finding out more details about what happened that day and getting answers to questions I had had for over two years I knew that it didn't have to happen. He shouldn't have been on trial because he had NO reason to kill her. She didn't have to be taken out of my life. So I was a mixture of emotions. The next month was sentencing. Because I couldn't be there I wrote a letter to the court that my best friend read for me. It was quite fitting since she was like another daughter to my mom. All of "her girls" spoke for her. And I waited for that call. It was good news. He was sentenced to 40 years minimum. I'll be 67 when he has even a chance at parol. And if it comes to that point I'll be there to make sure he doesn't get out. There will be no reward for good behavior & his prior time served doesn't count toward the sentence. Justice was served.

Even after all of that I still wait for her to call, so I can tell her that he's paying for it, so she can come back to us because she'll be safe now. My journey in grieving isn't over, and I don't think that it ever will be. But it has changed since that first day, I'm learning from it & growing with it.

Stuffed Like a Turkey

I realize we're into December now & well past Thanksgiving but I wanted to share some pictures from our first time doing Thanksgiving. The past 7 years that Shawn & I have been together we've always gone to one family or both for the holidays and at the most brought a side dish and helped some with prep and clean up. The night before we were out getting last minute items and realized we didn't have a turkey baster...the store was all out. Later that night I was making this yummy cranberry sauce recipe and realized I bought orange flavored dried cranberries by accident and only bought one pie crust for this delicious pumpkin pie recipe, both recipes compliments of my bff.

I was feeling like quite the rookie & had a bit of an emotional moment. I missed my mom, wanted to share my cooking experience with her & knew that if she were here she would have told me to get 2 pie crusts and remind me to get a baster the week before the store ran out. Shawn came to my rescue with the pie & made a crust for me so I didn't have to dump half the filling AND I was enjoying pie through last night. The next day Shawn started on the turkey - which we found out that opening the oven to baste the turkey actually dries it out so we were fine without a baster - and then continued prepping the rest of the dishes while I entertained the kids, cleaned house & set the table. We didn't plan on him doing all of the cooking but it just worked out that way.

Michael made a pilgrim hat at school and Lydia wanted a hat so I made her an Indian head dress out of construction paper. Then the kids made us each a 'turkey' place card by tracing & coloring their hands. Of course I had to get pictures of everything - food, dishes, kids, us, etc. I have more but didn't want to bore you all. ;) It was a fun day and relaxing evening. I'm looking forward to pulling out my great grandmother's china again for Christmas dinner & this time I'm going to take charge in the kitchen while Shawn entertains the kids. :D

Happy Mother's Day

Today is a day of mixed emotions for me. I'm thankful for the two loud mouths, four sticky grabby hands, two spunky personalities, four feet running around, four bright eyes and two big smiles that make me a mommy. Through all of the diaper changes, disciplining and cleaning up after my kids bring a smile to my face and a unique love to my heart. I love the phases that each are in. Michael is growing up so much and becoming more independent. Lydia is growing out of being a baby and running full speed into toddlerhood.

At the same time I think of my mom and how much I miss her. Over a year after her sudden and tragic death and I still have the quick thought to call her up or send her pictures. My heart aches. This year is especially difficult because the preliminary trial for her murderer is just two days away. I'm glad that it's finally happening, leading up to this point sometimes it felt like justice would never be served. But at the same time it's difficult. I would like to be at the trial but of course that can't happen. Also being that it's a preliminary trial justice still won't be served and it could take up to another year before the actual trial begins.

This year I have something else to look forward to though. My husband is on his way home for R&R so I am excited and distracted from some of my thoughts with last items to check of my list of things to do. Yesterday a couple of teenagers came asking if I wanted my yard mowed & edged so I happily took them up on their offer. So today I just have laundry, the floors, some organizing and cleaning to do.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day no matter who you are spending it with. I'm sending out ((hugs)) and prayers to those who are saddened by the loss of their mother, a child or the dream of having children being unfulfilled. I hope you all get some time to relax and be pampered in some way. If no one is home to pamper you then treat yourself to a warm bubble bath, dinner out or order in - anything that you would enjoy.

Thanks for stopping by!

In Loving Memory

I love and miss you mom.

A Favorite Christmas Tradition

One of my favorite family traditions was getting the Christmas tree. It was especially my favorite thing when we'd go to Silveyville Christmas Tree Farm. Don't get me wrong you can find a cute tree at a local lot but the experience of Silveyville is what kicked off my Christmas season. You can see my scrappy pages from last year's trip to Silveyville here. They have it all - Christmas music, sliegh rides, trees, hot cider, gift shop, wreathes, employees dressed like elves, decorations. It was such a fun atmosphere and I really do miss it. I'm not sure if there's anything like that in Kennessee since I'm not there to go find a tree but there's nothing like that here in New Mexico - not around these parts at least. I've been trying to convince my parents that they should start their own tree farm and use Silveyville as inspiration. Seriously folks, if you are in the area it's a fun place to go, even if you don't buy a tree there.

Last year they had a tree dedicated to our servicemen which touched my heart because my husband was still at training when I went. I didn't get a tree last year but went with some other families from my church who were going. My mom ended up surprising me by showing up. I am SO glad that she did, I was happy she came then but now I am REALLY grateful. It's my last holiday memory of her without the man who murdered her just over a month later around. Christmas was her favorite time of year and because she didn't celebrate her first until she met my dad when she was 17/18 she still had a childlike excitement about it. She had taken me there many times when I was little so going with her and my kids was very special.

When I started posting tonight I was going to talk about finding our tree this year but it went a different direction. I'll post about this tree in the next couple of days and have pictures to share as well. Thanks for stopping by.

1 Year Milestone

My little girl turned 1 on Saturday, she's getting big but still so tiny. She's still my baby & I suppose she {and my other child(ren)} always will be. I am so proud of her. She is walking around all over the place, drinking from a sip cup & enjoying eating more foods. Her smile & laugh is contagious and she gives the sweetest kisses {by request even!}. She says "dada, momma & bubu" and starting to mimic other words & sounds. She has so much fun playing with her big brother & I can already see how much they love each other.

So since her birthday fell on a Saturday I had her party the same day. I stayed up late cleaning the night before {easier to do when kids are in bed} and baked cupcakes & decorated that morning. I would have baked the night before as well but realized last minute I didn't have liners. In case you were misinformed, I'm not a baker/baked goods decorator and really not much of a cook either. Anyways, the decorations looked really cute {if I do say so myself} and the cupcakes even came out great! I've learned from past birthdays that keeping it simple is key for me, attempting to learn to make flowers with petals and/or write legibly with frosting last minute. The BEST part of the day was that my hubby called and was able to tell his daughter happy birthday! I was so excited. My excitement was quickly rained on when only 1 guest of 4 who RSVP'd showed up. It was still fun just disappointing. Lydia looked adorable in her party dress that had a little poof to it, wore her tiara just about the whole time {I was SO surprised!} and she had fun eating cupcake and playing with the balloons and her new toys. I was looking forward to having other little girls over for her to play with but I can wait until next year. We are having another party for her at my parent's house when I go on vacation so that will be fun as well. Here's a quick {blurry} look at her party.


The week leading up to her birthday was very emotional. When a milestone hits I think back to what has happened up to this point. There have been a lot of exciting things like my sister getting married & now expecting a baby, my best friend bought a house, my marriage came out of hard times - stronger than ever and my husband started an exciting new career. But there have also been a lot of sad/hard events. I'm further away from family than I ever have been, my husband is further away from me for the longest amount of time and I've lost my mom. So the party not going as I had hoped made me miss my husband, 'home' and my mom even more. Thanks for stopping by, I hope to be blogging {including reading your blogs} more this week.

♥

All Too Familiar

So I could gripe talk about how far beyond frustrated I am that the housing office called me up today letting me know that my moving dates have been pushed up because it doesn't work with their schedule. I guess the manager decided to pull a redo or do-over on an appointment I personally saw her authorize. This means I'll be getting my keys on Thursday, as in 3 days from now, and I don't have any boxes packed yet, well aside from things like Christmas decorations but that's been packed since well after last Christmas. The kids & I were sick over the weekend so I hardly got housework done let alone packing. The cold/allergies/whatever it was kicked my butt and I was so tired. Not sleeping well at night hasn't helped.

Or I could whine talk about how much I miss my husband because he would have no problem calling up a few guys to get help moving. I did call Rear D and I'll get some help, it's just hard to pinpoint a time and guarantee a day with them. He would probably also know how to take down these stupid blinds so I can wash them - yes, washing blinds in a house that will be getting renovated, even downstairs where there will be drywall dust messing them up again. :/ This would all be so much easier with his help.

This won't focus on either of those things though. Something happened yesterday that hit me harder than frustration with housing offices and the realities of my hubby's absence. My neighbor's mother died today. At first I was numb, sad for her but distracted with watching the children and attempting to clean - which by the way doesn't fair so well with 3 kids ages 3 and under if you were wondering. Her husband had come over a couple times to check on their daughter but when she came over and we started talking we were both in tears. Her mother died from an accidental overdose of some type of pain pill(s). I don't know of the details and really they don't matter. Her mom had struggled with an addiction, still loved and cared for her family and now she is gone. It was all too familiar. I shared a quick version of my story with her so she would know that I understood what she was going through and she could talk to me, passed along some advice that I received from friends at the beginning of my grieving process and listened to her. She was going to be picking up her mom from the airport today and she was going to be staying for a while to help with the new baby, did I mention she's due to have a C-Section in less than three weeks? So she can't even go back home for the funeral, my neighbor is from California also. Actually, she's from the same town I started out in. She is younger than I am, will soon have two small children, her husband will be deploying in a month and she's just lost her mom. My heart aches for her and though I am glad I was able to be there for her, I wish it was only to watch her daughter. How I wish I couldn't relate so much to her situation. How I wish my mom were out here to help me pack and get things taken care of, she'd be all over it - half my house would probably be packed by now.

So here I am missing my husband and my mom, wanting to just grieve and do nothing but love on my kids but I have a house to pack and move. And a neighbor who has become a friend to help. Life goes on even when it doesn't.

Powered by ScribeFire.

Faithful Friday {week 5}

So my weeks are definitely not in good order, I've missed I don't know how many but this morning my blog buddy Kim at Daily Blessings sent me an instant message & reminded me - thanks Kim! What? you don't chat with your blog buddies? Oh, well I do, not everyone but some. Anyways I'm giving this another try. Spiritually I've been dry lately. We haven't found a church or actively searching which doesn't help, I haven't done a Bible study since Michael was little, I haven't done a devotion in I don't know how long, truth be told I hardly pray anymore except when I put my kids to bed. Since my mom died I've been conflicted with some things and I think the way I'm dealing with it {right or wrong} is just pushing things to the side and trying to get through each day. I realize that spending time in the Word, putting things into perspective, reading about all the good that God has for me at the beginning of the day would help me get through but I haven't been. No excuses, I just haven't. So I'm dry and I guess that makes it easy for me to forget about Faithful Friday. But really I shouldn't. The good news is that God is faithful even when I am not. I'll get more into this next week but for today I'm going to talk about what I pray for my kids at night.

Each night when I put my kids in bed I give them hugs & kisses and tell them that I love them. Michael of course needs water and specifies which blanky he wants to use and wants to talk & snuggle. Most nights I read him a book too but we're not as consistent as we used to be. With Lydia it's a little easier, put her in the crib, give her the blanket, turn on her musical mickey thing and say ni-night. With both of my kids I pray for them. I ask God to keep them safe & healthy and continue to grow their character & personalities. The main request that I have is that He fill in the gaps. I try my best, and so does my husband, to be a good parent but we're far from perfect. We've argued in front of the kids, shown them poor choices & get overwhelmed and upset at times. I ask God to fill in the gaps where I have 'failed' or let them down because I know that I'm going to make mistakes & already have. My mom used to apologize to me in a mostly joking tone about any future therapy I would need as a result of her parenting. Now as a parent I understand what she meant. The task is so daunting and overwhelming at times. To think that every choice we make not only in our parenting but just in what we say & do in our lives as ourselves {not in 'parent' mode} has an impact on our kids. It's hard to think that they won't turn out screwed up in some way. But God is faithful, He is the ultimate parent & can fill in those gaps. No one is or has a perfect parent and most of us turn out okay. I'm not sure if that all came out like I was trying to communicate but I'm a little hormonal and tired and rambling.

Thanks for stopping by and if you have something to write about Faithful Friday please let me know so I can come & read.

*Also, scroll down for some really exciting news on a post I put up earlier today. w00t!*

Deep Thinking Meme

I was tagged with this meme almost 10 days ago by Leendaluu over at Wit's End. This isn't your run of the mill meme either, she created it herself. Okay so I know we've all heard this question posed at some point in our lives - likely in school - but it's never been a meme as far as I know. To be honest the whole thing kinda shook me up. I went to bed thinking about it, well the first question mostly, and woke up still thinking about it. I'm pretty sure I was dreaming about it but I rarely remember my dreams so I can't be sure, but if I fell asleep & woke up thinking about it there must have been a dream in the middle of that right?Makes sense to me. Anyhow, I think I've processed it enough that I can write about it now. So here it goes.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. If you could invite three people to dinner (they can be living, dead or fictional) whom would you invite, and why would you invite them?

A) First I would invite Jesus. To have the opportunity to break bread & drink with Christ himself, no way could I pass that up. I would have a whole list of questions for him; Am I living up to the plans you have for me? Why did my mom have to die? Please don't take my husband from me, keep him safe at war. Of course I'd also praise him for dieing for my sins and ask him stuff that we've all wondered about like: why oh why are there cockroaches?

Second I would invite my mom. She was murdered about 6 months ago by someone that she loved and who claimed to love her, someone we all trusted. What I would give to have one last meal with my mom. Oh how we'd talk. I'd ask her about how she raised such a stubborn strong minded daughter because I'm sure mine will be similar. I'd ask her about that day, what exactly happened and what she was thinking. I'd ask her what heaven is like and though I'm sure she'd have to sign some confidentiality papers the gleam in her eye would tell it all.

Lastly I would invite my sister. Though I talk to her often I couldn't go have dinner with our mom and not invite her as well. That would just be cruel and wrong and she'd never forgive me. I'd want her to share the opportunity to talk with our mom & show her wedding photos. I'd of course bring my scrapbooks & photos. *If I'm inviting them to dinner then I'd invite them to my house so my hubby and kids would be there as well, my kids would be reacquainted with their na-nay and maybe my son would even remember her after it, I think he's forgotten.*

2. At this dinner, what would you serve (meal planning is the key to the soul, I think)?

A) I can be such a *Martha* about things being perfect and what not so I'd clean up the house nice and order out some great food. I'm not talking pizza or Chinese here folks, I mean a catered five course meal with a variety of desserts to choose from. This way we have delicious food and I'm not stressed but can savor every moment of conversation. So I'm not sure what that says about my soul but that's what I'm thinking. I can't even think of specific foods at this point. I'd tell the chef to include a great salad full of fresh veggies & fruit and a delicious dressing and to be sure that at least 3 out of 5 of the desserts had chocolate and at least 1 must be cheesecake - plain or with fruit topping. I guess this just revealed that I'm so not a cook that I can't even think of a full menu but hey, that's what the chef is for right?

3. If you could go back in time and live in any era, which era would you choose?

A) Well, this one is tough for me. I love the era of the Jane Austen novels made into movies: Little Women, Pride & Prejudice, Sense & Sensibility - they all seem to be so romantic and much much simpler. However, the lack of attention to personal hygiene, limited women's rights and no internet does not sound appealing. To be a housewife in the 50's seems like it could be fun. I love the way that they wore pretty dresses and aprons while doing housework so that could be fun but again no internet and women didn't have much say for themselves. I think I really was born in the right era though; I have the internet, showering is strongly encouraged, I can vote my opinion and speak my mind and my life can be romantic and simple at times, plus I can dress up & do housework if I wanted.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So there you have it. I wonder what those last two answers say about me other than the fact that I'm indecisive? I will tag Christine, Nan, & Helen. If I didn't tag you but you still want to join in be sure to let me know so I can read your response. Thanks for the visit!

Mothers Day, 2007

Today is mothers day. It is my first mothers day with both of my kids {last year I was 5 months pregnant with Lydia}. It is sadly also my first mother's day without my own mother. I knew this day would be a mix of emotions for me. Joy in celebrating being a mother and sadness at the loss of my own. What I didn't expect were the emotions leading up to this point. Seeing commercials advertising gift ideas, flowers & cards for mothers day made me want to throw things at the TV, instead I would change the channel but you get the idea. It has been 4 months and 2 days since she was suddenly & violently taken from us and I'm still sorting through my emotions. I've been wondering things like 'is there a mothers day in heaven?', 'does she know the struggle I am having now?'.

With as much as I am unsure of there are some things I know for sure. I know that she loved me and was proud of me. I know that she loved my kids and thought that I was a wonderful mom. I know that she knew how much I loved and appreciated her. We were very close before she passed and for that I am thankful. I also know that she is now dancing with Jesus and full of more joy than she had ever imagined. I still miss her, and I don't think that will ever stop - I wouldn't want it to. I encourage anyone who has a strained relationship with their mother {or anyone for that matter} to resolve it. Do whatever you've got to do and forgive them, holding onto bitterness & resentment doesn't hurt the other person, it hurts you. If someone you loved passed before you were able to make amends then make peace with it now and don't carry it one more day.

I'm a closet Dr. Phil & Oprah watcher - not everyday but often. Friday Oprah had Maria Shriver on and she had interviewed a couple of famous moms. There are a couple of segments from her interview with Demi Moore that stood out to me and I'm sure we can all relate on some level. You can click here, here, and here to read for yourself.

Some things my mom taught me {sometimes without realizing it}:
* How to love without condition.
* The importance of forgiving.
* To take care of & love myself.
* God's grace & mercy.
* How to be the best mom I can be.

Happy Mother's Day Mom. I love & miss you.

hmmm....

So I couldn't resist putting these photos up. This morning on the way to church I stopped at the Starbucks down the street from my house (I just know you're jealous - at least one of you anyway ;). Anyway, I got my grande white mocha ~ hot, fat & whipped of course! ~ Michael asked for a chomit milk (chocolate milk in Michael speak). He was being so good & sweet so I got him one. I love how they serve it in the little cups that looked just like mine & I'm not sure if it was a small straw or if they cut it but that made it even better. I went to take a picture and of course didn't have my camera with me because 'what would I have to take a picture of between now & coming home from church?' - never again will I leave my house without my camera! Fortunately I had my camera phone with just enough photo space to get two pics. I didn't realize until I posted these that it looks like 'before chocolate milk fix' & 'after chocolate milk fix', can we say coffee addict in the making? He looks like such a 'big boy' in these pics, I just can't believe how grown up he is, or at least he thinks he is. It's just a small taste of what I'll be going through over the years I'm sure, and an even smaller taste of what my parents went through with me. I always thought I was so mature & grown up & new everything. *If I am still that way, you can tell me just be nice about it please* Anyway, I just loved these pics & wanted to share.

So, now I want to brag about the progress that I've made so far in the house. It may not sound like much but compared to what I've done in the past few days (weekish) and managing to get it done with both kids here while my tv & computer were in perfectly good working order to distract me - but didn't! Most of my progress is thanks to naptime & veggie tales. So I have made more progress on laundry, though that one never ends (I gathered almost another full load while cleaning today...) but progress is progress so it counts. I cleaned up the kitchen, including dishes & wiping up that sticky spot (likely Michael's work) and organized my papers to be filed & ones that need my attention tomorrow. I also did the routine pick up of the toys, clothing, whatnot strewn throughout the living room & cleaned floors (sweep & spot mop). Then I scrubbed the bathroom - closets still need some organization but you can close them so they can wait. And then, the biggest thing of all - I started to unpack some more boxes upstairs. This has been a really challenging thing for me to do because I'm not up there all day with them staring at me so it's easy to ignore. Now we can walk around much more easily & have our clothes - get this - in the closets rather than suitcases, boxes, pile on floor/couch. Wow! We do need to get a dresser or some other kind of clothing organization because how it is will only last so long. But it's progress! Like I said, I know it doesn't sound like much but it's a lot for me. I'm not posting this to get kudos, more for my own accountability, but if you want to send them along I'll gladly accept. ;)

Hmm...so what else for today? Well, church was nice. Michael was really excited to go see some friends - he has so much fun with other kids. Lydia did well in nursery again. I had a hard time at the beginning of worship though. The first song they sing is "I'll Fly Away" ~ I was thinking, of all the songs this one, today? It was enough for me to get up & decide to go to church today and then they sing that. Don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful song. I've just been struggling with everything about my mom's death lately, okay since she passed but I've been more down about it lately. My walk with the Lord has been dry, my desire to seek Him out has dwindled, my passion is blah. Anyway, the song was so bad because it was one of the songs that we played at my mom's memorial service, the Jars of Clay rendition. It was the start of the service. Rachelle (my sister) and I walked out to this song placing lavender long stem roses on her casket, holding each other. It really is a beautiful song though. And now I'm making myself listen to it. No, I don't like torturing myself. I just need to remind myself that it is a happy song. Because she flew away into the sweet & loving arms of Jesus, so I will say hallelujah.

I'll fly away, oh glory, I'll fly away
When I die, hallelujah by and by, I'll fly away

Some bright morning when this life is o'er, I'll fly away
To a land* on God's celestial shore, I'll fly away

When the shadows of this life have grown, I'll fly away
Like a bird from these prison walls, I’ll fly, I'll fly away

I'll fly away, oh glory, I'll fly away
When I die, hallelujah by and by, I'll fly away

Oh how glad and happy when we meet, I'll fly away
No more cold iron shackles on my feet, I'll fly away

I'll fly away, oh glory, I'll fly away
When I die, hallelujah by and by, I'll fly away

Just a few more weary days and then, I'll fly away
To a land where joy will never end, I'll fly away

I'll fly away, oh glory, I'll fly away
When I die, hallelujah by and by, I'll fly away

I'll fly away, oh glory, I'll fly away
When I die, hallelujah by and by, I'll fly away

I'll fly away, oh glory, I'll fly away
When I die, hallelujah by and by, I'll fly away

I'll fly away

Oh yeah, I'll fly away

Blah, blah, blah

Okay so earlier I was going to post but just could not get in the mood to do it or anything else. I did not accomplish any house unpacking today. /:( I tried to get out of this 'funk' but after taking a shower, hoping that would kick me into gear the most I did was get the kids dressed (really only because we had errands to do when Shawn got off work) and wash a few dishes from last nights dinner. Ugh. I was wanting to have so much more done before Shawn left Tuesday but I just don't see it happening. I guess the house will just look that much better in comparison when he comes back.

So I don't think this post is going to be very interesting, not that they all are but I think I usually put out a pretty good blog. I've been trying to do this for over an hour tonight but the dumb log in was having some kind of connection time out or something, whatever it was - I couldn't sign in so I couldn't blog. So now I am even less inspired then I was when I originally started. I'm getting those "blahs" again. I thought it was the hotel before but obviously that's not the only thing. I think it has a lot to do with being away from home, family, friends, familiar surroundings. Knowing that Shawn will be gone a couple times during the next couple months and then deployed for at least a year and I will still be here because of the way things work with the military. And I really miss my mom. It's something I don't talk about a lot because I guess part of me feels like 'gee, move on already, get on with things' and I would still miss her since I moved so whats the difference? except now I can't talk to her, I can't share anything going on in my life with her. I can't tell her about how much Michael loves choo choo tracks ever since she got him the train set & that's what he thinks special is. I can't tell her how Lydia reminds me of her so much. I know it's only been almost three months since she died so I shouldn't be so hard on myself but if it's already been almost three months why do I still want to curl up in a ball under the covers and cry and not do anything else (I haven't been doing that because of the kids, but mentally that's where I am). It just won't stop hurting, I don't stop missing and I am really not looking forward to mother's day this year. Usually about this time Rachelle (my sister) and I would be talking about what would we get for the mom who was impossible, well difficult to shop for. It was always a challenge since mother's day was quickly followed by her birthday, the challenge was finding two gifts. Bath stuff & candles & slippers get old really quick. I started doing things with photos of the kids because she loved it and it was easier than trying to find clothes that she would like and I'm not so creative with gift giving. How I long to be frustrated with figuring out a gift to get for her.


I started doing some research for a counselor in this area that I can start going to. I think talking to someone about all that happened will help. I keep trying to make sense of it all still and of course it doesn't. I don't want to live in a world where someone being murdered in cold blood does make sense, I want the Lord to take me home before that happens. And thats another thing. My spirituality, passion for God, desire to seek Him & His will for my life, my walk - however you want to describe it is dry, burned out, just not there. Not that I was super disciplined in my daily Bible reading, devotions, prayer life, etc. before but at least I wanted to try. Maybe getting plugged into a church or Bible study will help in some way too. I don't know, I just know I'm not myself. I get all mean mommy & snappy wife and I don't like it (and I'm sure my poor family wouldn't prefer it either). Anyway, if you are the praying kind and happen to think of me I'd appreciate it.

Anyway, I didn't sit down thinking of writing all that, I guess it's just whats on my mind, so there it is. But I don't want this to be a completely depressing thing for you all to read. So I am going to put up some pictures of my oh so cute kids who can make me smile no matter how sad I am. There are some from the hotel and some from the house.

Aren't they just adorable? I think so, but I guess I should huh? Michael makes Lydia smile & laugh all day long - it is so great. Pictures left to right, top to bottom. 1) Michael has fun checking out daddy's 'Army guy' stuff. 2) Michael making Lydia giggle just by smiling at her & saying hi {a very exaggerated breathy hi, she smiles & coos, he laughs, she giggles - I love it} 3) Can ya tell they're related? 4) This is right after she rolled over onto her tummy for the first time! 5) One day at the park, she was so content & peaceful. 6) "Michael, you are handsome", "yep", "What does handsome mean?", "this!"-seriously, that was our conversation-is he like daddy or what ;) 7) Michael checking out the new backyard {photo taken through screen, windows not that dirty, not yet anyway} 8) Lydia playing in the exersaucer for the first time, Michael took a while to understand that it wasn't his toy anymore but now has fun playing with his sissy while she is in there.

Pictures Found

I wasn't even going to blog today, there just wasn't anything blog worthy. No excitement over the weekend just the same ol' (new and funky) routine at the hotel. But then I was going through e-mails that I had saved because they had photos or other information on them that I wanted to save to my computer. I almost erased all of these thinking I already had them but I'm so glad I didn't. There were some photos that my mom sent to my e-mail so that Shawn could see Lydia after she was born and he was still in training at Ft. Leonardwood, Missouri. I forgot all about these and really thought I had no chance of ever getting these photos. The originals were put onto Matthew's computer which is now with the police as part of the investigation into her murder. I let the police and DA know about the photos but you never know what will come of it. Anyways, I'm so glad to have these photos, especially this one; it was my mom's favorite.


I'm so thankful that she was with me on that day. She was calling the whole day before, checking with Rachelle and Chriss to see how labor was going for me. My second night in the hospital she stayed over with me, helping to take care of Lydia throughout the night so I could get some much needed rest. She came home with me the next day and helped me to get settled in and even helped me with grocery shopping and my laundry. It was very special time spent with her and I will treasure it always.

A Sad Day

Well, I haven't written in a few weeks since I haven't had a computer available and honestly haven't had a clear head with all thats happened. I figured since I had a computer available and somewhat of a clear head I could handle doing a post.

Most of you already know about what has happened but for those of you who don't here it goes.

January 11 I came home from vacation at my dad's in New Mexico. My mom picked me and the kids up from the airport and we had lunch together and I changed clothes before going to my friends house. Later that night I got the worst phone call in my life. My mother had been killed. Her boyfriend of over one year shot her at least twice and she died. I can't get into many details because it is an ongoing investigation. They do know that he did it and he has been charged with murder. My dad flew out the next day and Shawn the day after that. Rachelle and I had to plan her service and get her things and handle other details that no 21 and 24 year olds should have to do for their parents. None of it makes sense still, there was no sign of anything that we could see, nothing that we were told by mom to give us some kind of warning. I'm still waiting for her phone call, still waiting for her to show up to surprise me and the kids with a visit.

I think thats about all I can handle for today. It helps to talk about it sometimes but gets to be too much sometimes.

To update on other things quickly, Shawn leaves for Kentucky on Thursday. Me and the kids will follow when he has housing secured. It depends on availability of housing mostly. I'll keep everyone posted and let you all know whats going on.