So I don't think this post is going to be very interesting, not that they all are but I think I usually put out a pretty good blog. I've been trying to do this for over an hour tonight but the dumb log in was having some kind of connection time out or something, whatever it was - I couldn't sign in so I couldn't blog. So now I am even less inspired then I was when I originally started. I'm getting those "blahs" again. I thought it was the hotel before but obviously that's not the only thing. I think it has a lot to do with being away from home, family, friends, familiar surroundings. Knowing that Shawn will be gone a couple times during the next couple months and then deployed for at least a year and I will still be here because of the way things work with the military. And I really miss my mom. It's something I don't talk about a lot because I guess part of me feels like 'gee, move on already, get on with things' and I would still miss her since I moved so whats the difference? except now I can't talk to her, I can't share anything going on in my life with her. I can't tell her about how much Michael loves choo choo tracks ever since she got him the train set & that's what he thinks special is. I can't tell her how Lydia reminds me of her so much. I know it's only been almost three months since she died so I shouldn't be so hard on myself but if it's already been almost three months why do I still want to curl up in a ball under the covers and cry and not do anything else (I haven't been doing that because of the kids, but mentally that's where I am). It just won't stop hurting, I don't stop missing and I am really not looking forward to mother's day this year. Usually about this time Rachelle (my sister) and I would be talking about what would we get for the mom who was impossible, well difficult to shop for. It was always a challenge since mother's day was quickly followed by her birthday, the challenge was finding two gifts. Bath stuff & candles & slippers get old really quick. I started doing things with photos of the kids because she loved it and it was easier than trying to find clothes that she would like and I'm not so creative with gift giving. How I long to be frustrated with figuring out a gift to get for her.
I started doing some research for a counselor in this area that I can start going to. I think talking to someone about all that happened will help. I keep trying to make sense of it all still and of course it doesn't. I don't want to live in a world where someone being murdered in cold blood does make sense, I want the Lord to take me home before that happens. And thats another thing. My spirituality, passion for God, desire to seek Him & His will for my life, my walk - however you want to describe it is dry, burned out, just not there. Not that I was super disciplined in my daily Bible reading, devotions, prayer life, etc. before but at least I wanted to try. Maybe getting plugged into a church or Bible study will help in some way too. I don't know, I just know I'm not myself. I get all mean mommy & snappy wife and I don't like it (and I'm sure my poor family wouldn't prefer it either). Anyway, if you are the praying kind and happen to think of me I'd appreciate it.
Anyway, I didn't sit down thinking of writing all that, I guess it's just whats on my mind, so there it is. But I don't want this to be a completely depressing thing for you all to read. So I am going to put up some pictures of my oh so cute kids who can make me smile no matter how sad I am. There are some from the hotel and some from the house.
Aren't they just adorable? I think so, but I guess I should huh? Michael makes Lydia smile & laugh all day long - it is so great. Pictures left to right, top to bottom. 1) Michael has fun checking out daddy's 'Army guy' stuff. 2) Michael making Lydia giggle just by smiling at her & saying hi {a very exaggerated breathy hi, she smiles & coos, he laughs, she giggles - I love it} 3) Can ya tell they're related? 4) This is right after she rolled over onto her tummy for the first time! 5) One day at the park, she was so content & peaceful. 6) "Michael, you are handsome", "yep", "What does handsome mean?", "this!"-seriously, that was our conversation-is he like daddy or what ;) 7) Michael checking out the new backyard {photo taken through screen, windows not that dirty, not yet anyway} 8) Lydia playing in the exersaucer for the first time, Michael took a while to understand that it wasn't his toy anymore but now has fun playing with his sissy while she is in there.
5 comments:
Remember to give yourself grace. You're in a major transit in life--moving, kids, a sometimes-distant hubby, and the tragedy that was all too recent. You don't have to take on the world--nor do you have to feel guilty that you might not want to. The most important thing for your mentality and your kiddos is "to thine own self b true." Whatever that "self" is, don't deny who you are--who God made you to be. Plugging into a good ring of ladies who can support you spiritually is a must. Keep searching for that "right" church; he'll guide you there when it's time. Don't get discouraged. :)
That was "be" not "b."
Oh, and I meant to say: CUTE pix of the kiddos! Though looking at Lydia's playing with my emotions: got baby-fever bad over here, but Drew's still not ready. Alas, I will have to envy yours from afar! haha
I'm not so sure what happened with your mom but it sounds recent and tragic. Girlie, give yourself a break. Even if she died peacefully in her sleep she was still your MOM. Of course it's hard. Of course you feel like you are going to fall apart. But you won't because you have kids & God gave you a mission. It might make you feel better to think about the fact that while you are sad and hurting ~ she woke up with Jesus smiling. She's in a far far better place than we are right now ~ she's home!!! And you'll be with her again, in His perfect timing. In the meantime, tell your kids how wonderful she was and show them as many pictures as you can and let them love her through you. Write down everything you can remember about her and send it to everyone who knew her. Make it a mini 'remembrance' scrapbook thingie and let yourself cry when you are sad. Cry out to God. He hears you. He will turn your sadness over your moms death into your joy over her life. He will give you His peace and fill you with a hunger for all things Him. Ask for His love to shine through you when you feel like mean mommy and snappy wife (I *promise it works:). Skip the therapist and find a preacher. You will feel SO much better. I can make that a promise because although the circumstances were different ~ I was in the same rut not~so~long ago. We were under attack and struck down...physically, financially, emotionally, spiritually. With no one to lift us up in prayer or help us bear our burdens, we were so weak and defenseless that we were down with the first punch. (a friend wrote that statement abou her life *oddly enough at the same time we were dealing with our struggle. ANd that's exactly what happened with us too. He brought them out of it. And He brought us out. And He will bring you out of it. Just lay your life before Him and let Him take it and make it a brand new life from the inside out. Trust Him. ** Okay sorry for the 5 page comment. Need to remember to HUSH!! It's the mom in me.
Love in Christ,
Heather ~who is right now thinking of you and saying a prayer.
And the little ones are *too ADORABLE
ALL of the emotions you are experiencing are normal, real and unfortunately a part of the healing process. I am a few months ahead of you in this but let me tell you I sort of thought that...ok it's been 7 months, this is my reality now why can't I move on? Just know that it is ok to still have those days where you miss her so much you just can't comprehend. I have some good articles on grieving I can send you if you would like.
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